The War Between Us and Those Who Branded Us Pig-People
SCENE ONE: THE BIG BAD WOLF
BILL enters, being escorted by two heavily armed GUARDS. The guards throw him to the ground. He has been beaten pretty badly and handcuffed. He speaks directly to the audience, with a slow rhythm.
BILL: So much for the ‘savior of mankind’... (sees the audience) I bet you’re wondering who I am. Let me save you some heartache and warn you up front, I can’t tell you everything. The way things are going, it looks like I’m gonna be dead within a few days, if not hours. But since I’m probably going to go down as the most hated person in history, I figure I should at least give you my version while I can. The name’s William Jefferson, born December 25th of 2522. United States Marine until my beloved Corps crumbled beneath me. Semper Fi and never forgotten. It’s probably necessary for me to start at the beginning. Couple hundred years ago, well, let’s just say some confusing scientific shit happened across the Atlantic. Now half the Earth is a goddamn wasteland. You want more detail than that, read a book. You get the 7th grade History class version, cause that’s all I know. Anyway, the survivors from Europe and Africa were forced to migrate to our shores. In the early days, they were shot on sight. Something about the fear of contagious disease. Turns out that wasn’t the case. My ancestors, in their infinite fucking wisdom, decided it was fair and honorable to allow them entrance into our land. Millions of ‘em crowding into our cities and eating our food and multiplying like rabbits. Look at these ugly bastards standing behind me. Whatever happened over there left permanent mutations. Two hundred years later, they still look like breakfast sausage. The mutated genes made it impossible to cross-bread, but then again who the hell would want to do that anyway? Unable to assimilate and always reminded of their ugliness. Civil War wasn’t a possibility, it was an inevitability. That’s about as much as I know on the subject. All I know is I was born into this mess. Orphan. Left on the steps with a note and a birth certificate. Ever since I could remember, tension was high between us and these Pig-People, as they became known. All I wished is that I’d be old enough to join the fight when war broke out. Sure enough, 17 years old, the War for American Freedom started. Their over-active procreating had evened the population gap, which meant the American military was more than happy to accept early recruits. I was a natural born fighter. Been kicked out of every home, school, and bar I’ve ever been too because of it. Only place that kept taking me back was the orphanage. Finally, I was a part of something that rewarded my talents. The War for American Freedom lasted six years. As you can tell, we didn’t do so well. Tell you the truth, neither side came out smelling like roses. Eighty-six percent casualties, and I’m not just limiting that percentage to soldiers. The problem with a war fought on your own soil is bombs become pretty useless. And the lines between the battlefield and the home become blurry. More than a billion lives lost in six years. Everyone assumed this was the apocalypse we were warned about. I wish it was. That way I wouldn’t have to see what happened to my country, to my people. Over 700 years of democracy was crushed and replaced with a fucking monarch. The guy doesn’t even have a name, just goes by ‘King’. Talk about arrogance. I’m not sure which started first, the resistance or the slaughter. Naturally, the King was scared of an uprising and we were scared of slavery or genocide. So ironically both sides obliged. The King ordered the deaths of every living man, woman and child who wouldn’t accept official slavery. Pigs slaughtering people. How’s that for karma? He had these ‘special agents’, as he liked to call them. Twenty-six of the nastiest hogs you could find. Names A, B, C, D, you get the picture. They hunted us like we were wild animals. I nearly got sniped a couple times by ‘em. So I joined the resistance, or started the resistance depending on which folk-tale you wish you listen to. By the time we got organized, I was the natural leader. They needed someone young, someone charismatic, someone to build a legend around, even if it had to be someone like me. We turned the hunt around. First one to go was Agent F, then O, then R and S. We picked them off one by one. We got it down to a handful of them. They’d be replaced, sure, but their deaths were a symbol. It was meant to inspire hope. I guess it doesn’t matter now. Ya know, we used to have a saying before battle, “All roads lead to death.” It was supposed to make us fearless or something. Probably just made us careless instead. That’s why instead of leading an army into battle, I got talked into storming the fucking castle with half a dozen Pigs who’d all tried to kill me at least once. But it looks like I don’t have time to tell you that story at the moment.
The KING enters. Note: He may enter with grandiose music and dozens of guards and servants, or simply enter like a snake from the weeds, depending on the size of the cast.
KING: Well, well, well. If it isn’t “The Big Bad Wolf” himself. Its a pleasure to finally meet you.
BILL: I bet.
KING: You know, you and I-
BILL: Is this where you tell me that we aren’t all that different after all?
KING: I wouldn’t dream of it. The day I wake up with the realization that we have anything in common, I’ll shoot myself in the head without hesitation. What I was going to say was that you and I have more of a history than you realize.
BILL: I’m guessing I shot somebody important to you.
KING: Quite a few actually.
BILL: Heard that one before. Plenty of times.
KING: My nephew, you beat to death outside Louisville two years ago.
BILL: I’m betting he made an excellent Christmas ham-
KING turns and slaps BILL to the ground, wearing golden knuckles. He punches him repeatedly.
KING: He was innocent. (Punch) I watched my sister cry her eyes out for weeks. (Punch) You have any idea what it is like to lose a family member? (Punch) You stupid (Punch) fucking (Punch) redneck (Punch) fuck? (Punch)
KING takes out a gun and sticks it directly poking into BILL’s eye.
KING: For two long years, I’ve waited to kill you. I’ve prayed every night that you lived to kneel before me. I feared your death at the hands of a lesser man. And now here you are. Every ounce of me wants to tear your heart from your chest and eat it for breakfast. (Beat) Is that real fear I see in you? Leader of the resistance, legend among your people, and you sit here like a dog hit by a newspaper.
BILL: What can I say? I hate having guns pointed at my eye from close distances.
KING: Well you certainly are clever, aren’t you?
KING withdrawals the gun but does not put it away.
BILL: If the tables were turned, I’d have shot you without saying a word. You take way too long to kill people.
KING: I can’t kill you. Not here. Not now. I’m not a soldier, William-
KING: Bill. I’m a politician. And a good one. My people, your people. They all need to watch you die. To see your mortality. I didn’t become King by being an idiot. Symbols are more powerful than raw actions when you are dealing with the masses. (Beat) I’m surprised you haven’t asked about your friends yet.
KING turns his back. BILL gathers the strength to kick the legs out from underneath one of the guards and headbutt the other. The struggle does not last long as both guards take him to the ground. KING applauds as if it were a Broadway show at intermission.
KING: Bravo! Excellent! I expected this spirit from the beginning. Pointless, sure. But amusing anyway.
BILL: No, it’s amusing that you think I have friends.
KING: Perhaps the wrong choice of words, then. Teammates, co-workers, cohorts, compadres? Co-conspirators?
BILL: Oh, you mean your friends.
KING: You turned my agents against me.
BILL: They came to me.
KING: Traitors. That’s who you run with. That’s who you are. I expected you to fight for your people, but this... How do your kind like that you put your faith in the enemy?
BILL: My kind don’t give a shit. We just wanna survive.
KING: I’m afraid that’s not going to happen.
BILL: How many did you catch?
KING: All of them.
BILL: You have no idea how many turned on you.
KING: Agent P. Agent W. M. Z. I. Plus a couple of your people. Did we miss any?
BILL: Hundreds. They’re marching on the castle right now. Better run and hide.
KING: I bet.
A YOUNG BOY and YOUNG GIRL run in from offstage.
YOUNG BOY & GIRL: Daddy!
KING: Hey, sweethearts! What are you doing running around the castle this late?
YOUNG BOY: We heard gun shots but they made us stay in our rooms till it was safe.
KING: Well it’s safe now.
BILL: Let me guess, Hamlet and Piglet?
KING: You don’t get to know their names.
YOUNG GIRL: Who is that?
KING: That’s “The Big Bad Wolf”.
YOUNG BOY: You caught him?
KING: I sure did. And you are gonna have front row seats to see what happens to bad people who get caught.
YOUNG BOY: Are you gonna hang him?
KING: I sure am.
BILL: This is morbid.
KING: This is life during times of war. I won’t let my children grow up in ignorance.
BILL: How noble of you.
KING: That’s an interesting nickname, don’t you think? “The Big Bad Wolf.”
KING: As if you were some creature of the forest, come to blow down our kingdom. Honestly, I don’t know if we gave you that moniker or if you did.
BILL: You should hear the one we picked out for you. Sausage link. You’ll probably have to explain that one to the bacon bits over there. Won’t want them growing up ignorant.
KING: Charming. Your people always did have a way with words. I will make sure my kind never forgets it. Pig-People. That’s what you call us?
BILL: Well, we had to distinguish you from actual pigs.
KING: There’s that wit again. Must be the reason they like you. A racist, ignorant, jarhead, redneck, orphan boy. That’s the best you people could come up with.
BILL: I like to think of myself as a badass, actually.
KING: I bet you do.
BILL: You know, I may be a bad guy. But I never shot anyone who wasn’t gonna shoot me, so fuck off.
KING: You people started this war.
BILL: The hell we did. You came to our land!
KING: And we were shot down where we stood.
BILL: Out of fear and desperation.
KING: Out of hatred!
BILL: We let you into our home.
KING: So we could clean your mess.
BILL: You don’t like it, go back to where you came from.
KING: We no longer have to.
BILL: So you put us into slavery?
KING: It was your people or mine.
BILL: It doesn’t have to be!
KING: Yes it does! What’s happened is irreversible. There is no savior to unite us. And it certainly isn’t gonna be you.
BILL: It was never supposed to be me.
KING: You think my people would unite under the rule of a traitor?
BILL: Says someone who became King through a revolution!
KING: A revolution against tyranny, persecution and injustice.
BILL: And look how far you’ve come. Burnt down the woods to build yourself a forest.
KING: I am not like you! We are not like you!
BILL: You’re damn right you aren’t! You’re a mutated fucking disaster that only used to be human.
KING: We are evolution. We are stronger, bigger, faster-
KING: More honorable-
KING: More worthy of this land than you have ever been.
BILL: More worthy of being hung over a fire with an apple in your mouth for tomorrow’s feast.
KING explodes in laughter.
KING: You know, I’ve heard them all. Sausage, ham, bacon, bacon bits, ham sandwich, Porky, sausage link, sausage patty, Hog, swine, wild boar. You have nothing I haven’t heard before.
BILL: Really? How ‘bout Babe? It’s a story from the film era in the 20th century. We had to watch it in my 9th grade English class. He’s a small pig with the might and will of a-
KING: I. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck. (Beat) You know who loses at the end of The Three Little Pigs? You do. The Big Bad Wolf gets boiled alive. Sure, he gets two of the little pigs. But eventually, he is outsmarted. What about in Little Red Riding Hood? He gets carved open by a hunter.
BILL: To be fair to me, he also eats that little boy in... oh shit, what was that one called?
KING: Don’t you understand? You are the villain. And the villain always loses.
BILL: Quite a coincidence, isn’t it?
KING: It’s karma.
BILL: It’s revisionist history.
KING: It’s the way things are and always will be.
BILL: I won’t argue with you on that one.
KING: Haha, I suppose we do have something in common.
BILL: I believe the deal was now you have to shoot yourself in the head.
KING finally puts away the gun.
KING: There’s that sense of humor I love about you.
BILL: Ok, are you gonna torture me or interrogate me or anything?
KING: I don’t need to. We have all the information we need. Only thing we needed to end this for good was your head on a pole. And look, you brought it right to our doorstep.
BILL: So why do I have the privilege of chatting with the King of this new bastardized-America?
KING: Because I want you to understand how badly you failed.
BILL: I had that feeling of failure when you had the gun shoved in my eye, thanks.
KING: You know you failed, personally. This little ‘storm the castle’ routine failed. You failed to assassinate me. You failed to survive. But you haven’t grasped the bigger picture. Your race is dead. Your people will be wiped off the face of the Earth. Two hundred years ago, it looked like you’d be the only survivors left, and look how long it took for you people to fuck it up. And guess who just put the nail in the coffin?
KING: The Big Bad Wolf. How’s it feel? To not only fail yourself, but to fail your people? Your ancestors?
BILL: Those were your ancestors too.
KING: We have no ancestors. We were born out of the ashes ready to take on the world.
BILL: You were kicked out of the family tree and chopped it down out of envy.
KING: Enough of this shit! I get bored having the same argument twice. Tomorrow the hounds of hell get to feed on your flesh. And we all get to watch it happen. Take him away. Lock him up with the other traitor.
The GUARDS take BILL off-stage while KING and the YOUNG BOY and YOUNG GIRL exit the other direction.
SCENE TWO: AGENT P
Lights up on AGENT P sitting inside of a large cell. Note: This cell does not have to be a realistic four sided cell, but you will need a set of bars or a gate in one corner for BILL to examine. There are two chairs in the room. AGENT P sits alone until the GUARDS enter with BILL. The GUARDS exit, leaving BILL and AGENT P alone in the cell.
AGENT P: ...Hello.
BILL turns to look out the cell towards the direction he entered. As soon as he does, AGENT P jumps him. The two of them fight. Its a long, violent fight that lasts until both can barely stand. AGENT P is clearly the better hand-to-hand fighter, but BILL fights dirty to keep it an even fight throughout. AGENT P eventually gets the upper hand and punches BILL repeatedly before getting off of him and slowly making his way back to his seat.
BILL: That’s the third time today that I’ve had my ass kicked.
AGENT P: I could tell. You look like shit.
BILL: For an immortal legend of the people, you’d think I’d win a fight one of these days. (Beat) I thought you were gonna kill me.
AGENT P: I was going to.
BILL: Well, thanks for stopping.
AGENT P: No problem.
BILL: ...Fuck. Ya know, for the ‘most honorable fucking Pig in history’, that was pretty sneaky. Jumping me from behind.
AGENT P: I live by a code. I show every opponent the amount of respect he deserves.
BILL: Just admit you’re scared of me. (Beat) Where are the others?
AGENT P: They aren’t here are they? (Beat) He needs our deaths to be public. Not theirs.
BILL: (realizing what that means) Oh. I see. (Beat) Sorry for your... you know.
AGENT P: Thanks.
BILL: How long you been in here?
AGENT P: Hour and a half.
BILL: Shit, you barely made it in the gate before getting caught didn’t you?
AGENT P: You didn’t do so well, either, by the looks of it.
BILL: Go fuck yourself. (Beat) He said there were two of my people with you.
AGENT P: Teenagers. After we split from you at the South entrance, we went around to the East door and found ‘em trying to sneak in.
BILL: There are too many guards at that door, that’s why I told you to go around to the North.
AGENT P: And we would have, but if those kids got caught, every guard in the city would be called to the castle.
BILL: So you should have shot them in their ignorant fucking heads and went around to the North side like I said.
AGENT P: Gun shot probably would have alerted the guards even quicker, thanks though.
BILL: So you got caught trying to sneak into the main hall. Brilliant. (Beat) Well, thanks. I wasn’t gonna get within a hundred yards of the King after his rogue group of agents got caught sneaking into the castle in the middle of the night with a couple of teenage kids. (Beat) You know, the whole thing would have been a lot easier if even one of you idiots hadn’t quit.
AGENT P: Well we hadn’t planned on treason being part of the plan after we walked out on him.
BILL: Of course not, you thought he’d let his trained killers go buy a farm somewhere and ‘chill out’. (Beat) Is there any way out of this cell?
AGENT P: If there was, they wouldn’t have locked us both up here, would they?
BILL: Well excuse me if I don’t sit here and wait to die. Conversation has been lovely though.
BILL takes the second chair to the corner of the cell and examines it, looking for a weakness or something outside the door.
BILL: Everything has a weakness. You just have to find it.
AGENT P: That’s very poetic, but you’re wrong. These things were built for this purpose. There is a reason the guards didn’t bother staying outside.
BILL tries with all his strength to simply bust, pry or pull the bars apart, seeing no other option.
BILL: Goddamnit! Fuck!
BILL finally gives up, exhausted.
AGENT P: What’s that? Fifth time you’ve lost a fight today?
BILL: Fourth. (Beat) This is all so incredibly fucked. How did I let you talk me into this?
AGENT P: You didn’t need much convincing, if I remember correctly.
BILL: I believe I agreed on the condition that I got to slow roast the son of a bitch afterwards.
AGENT P: Delightful. Were you born a racist piece of shit or is that taught at your schools?
BILL: Well, let’s see. You’re the closest I’ve ever had to a Pig-friend, and even you’ve tried to kill me. Several times.
AGENT P: Well, to be fair, we weren’t friends when I tried to kill you.
BILL: We still aren’t. I said ‘closest I’ve had to a friend’.
AGENT P: Fair enough.
BILL: You barely know me.
AGENT P: I said ‘fair enough’.
BILL: I still can’t believe you didn’t beat me to death in here.
AGENT P: There’s no point to now. Plus I don’t wanna be alone out there tomorrow.
BILL: We get the big shebang, don’t we? Couple of hangings for the people’s entertainment.
AGENT P: Get your popcorn ready.
BILL: When you showed up on my front lawn that day, did you ever think it’d end here?
AGENT P: All roads lead to death. Isn’t that what you told me?
BILL: I get up in the morning and look out my window to see the Angel of Death himself. The King’s best assassin sitting in my lawn chair.
AGENT P: And you walked out the door like you were seeing a ghost.
BILL and AGENT P begin to play out the scene that took place several months earlier. The light changes around them.
BILL: And I said... Hey.
AGENT P: ... Hello.
BILL: If you were here to kill me, I’d be dead already. What do you want?
AGENT P: Oh, I’m going to kill you. Just not yet. I need your help.
BILL sits down.
BILL: How’d you find me?
AGENT P: I’m good. (Beat) We have some stuff to get out in the open before we get down to business.
BILL: (Smiling) When I killed him, it was business.
AGENT P: He was my brother, that’s personal.
BILL: He tried to kill me, that’s personal.
AGENT P: That’s war.
BILL: That’s what I said. Business.
AGENT P: ...We both want the same thing.
AGENT P: The King isn’t gonna stop. He’s scared.
BILL: He should be.
AGENT P: It won’t end until every one of your people is dead.
BILL: It won’t end until he’s dead.
AGENT P: Like I said, we both want the same thing.
BILL: (laughing in disbelief) Are you serious? My god. They talk about you like you’re their savior. There was a time when I thought even your own people would revolt just to put you in charge. How do you think they’d react if they knew you were talking assassination with ‘The Big Bad Wolf’ himself?
AGENT P: I didn’t earn the people’s trust by being a saint. They understand I’m a hunter. They love me for the same reason your people love you.
BILL: My people fear me.
AGENT P: And they love you. You’re a hero.
BILL: Back on topic. You want me to help you kill your own King? For what?
AGENT P: Survival. Hope is not lost forever. I can make my people understand. But I need your people to understand, or there’s nothing I can do, crown or no crown.
BILL: My people respect you. They hate you, but they respect you. You’re the only Agent who never touched a citizen. Symbols mean everything when you’re dealing with the masses.
AGENT P: I may be the lesser of two evils for them, but I can’t unite the nation without help. If I kill him with my own hands, I’m a traitor. I can’t smooth that over. If you kill him, my people will have someone to blame. And if I pardon you, I earn the trust of your people. The genocide can stop. This war can end completely.
BILL: Why would I want that? I am this war.
AGENT P: So be something more than that. You’re whole life, you’ve been a selfish, egotistical, racist, lonely, bitter son of a bitch.
BILL: You sure know how to make me feel good about this.
AGENT P: Why not be a hero?
BILL: I have no need for heroes.
AGENT P: Then do it to survive. As long as he’s King, you’ll be hunted. I found you. How long do you think it’s gonna take before he does?
BILL takes a long look at AGENT P before speaking.
BILL: Let’s hear the plan then. How many we got?
AGENT P: Agent M, Agent W, Agent Z, Agent I and myself. We keep it small and only professionals.
BILL: Piggy, Miggy, Wiggy, Ziggy and Iggy. Got it.
AGENT P: Might wanna go easy on the nicknames, especially around Agent Z. You already tried to kill him once. He’s not the happiest about us becoming partners.
BILL: We find him, we kill him, we crown you, you pardon me, I go home and you unite the nation. Sounds simple. (Beat) And after all this happens?
AGENT P: You mean...
BILL: Our ‘unfinished business’?
AGENT P: If I get the chance, I will kill you.
BILL: I believe you. Hell of a political move, though.
AGENT P: Nobody will know. Accidents happen.
BILL: I’m trusting the fate of the only nation left on Earth to a man who just promised to kill me in the shadows and lie to the world about it.
AGENT P: Life’s a bitch, isn’t it?
The lights gradually change back. We are in the cell again.
BILL: I really did believe you. That you’d kill me.
AGENT P: My brother was not a good man. But he was my brother.
BILL: Your brother was not a ‘man’ at all. He killed thousands.
AGENT P: You’ve killed.
BILL: Not that many.
AGENT P: What’s it matter? Kill once, kill a thousand times. You’re still a monster. So am I. So was he.
BILL: All of this philosophy and political shit is getting old. My last day alive, and I have to spend it talking ‘good and evil’ with a tyrant and a moral assassin.
AGENT P: (Smiling) What else is there?
BILL: Sex. Food. Beer. I’d give anything for a cold one and some mashed potatoes.
AGENT P: Macaroni and cheese.
BILL: Couple of hot dogs.
AGENT P: Watch it.
BILL: No racial joke intended.
AGENT P: Well in that case, throw a little mustard and relish on it-
BILL: Oh my god that sounds delicious. If we ever get out of here, Cornelius, we are gonna have us a hell of a feast.
AGENT P: Cornelius?
BILL: What, you never saw Planet of the Apes?
AGENT P: I got more important things to do than watch classical films.
BILL: You’re missing out. They used to make us watch all kinds of stuff at school. I grew up in DC. They’d take us to an old drive-in and the Library of Congress would play films on the screen, before it got burnt down during the war. (Beat) The history of my people was in those films. Our rise to greatness. Six hundred years later, we still watch ‘em. That’s staying power. The King isn’t just killing us off, he’s destroying every record that we were ever here. Fuck. We survive the apocalypse together, and still can’t stop fighting.
AGENT P: You better stop talking or you’re gonna end up developing a soul.
BILL: Just in time to take it straight to Hell.
A GUARD enters, heavily armed and never gets close enough for either of the warriors to jump him.
GUARD: The King wishes to inform you that you will be executed at four o’clock tomorrow afternoon. So get your sleep. He wants you to look nice for the audience.
BILL: Hey, will you do me a favor?
GUARD: What do you want?
BILL: Really? Anything? Wow, I thought you’d say no. Ok, could you let us go?
GUARD: Clever. (Beat) You. You seem awfully quiet, for a traitor.
AGENT P says nothing.
BILL: What does that even mean? ‘Quiet for a traitor?’ Are traitors known for being loud?
AGENT P: Bill, stop.
GUARD: Listen to the traitor. At least he knows his place.
BILL: Cheerful son of a bitch, isn’t he?
AGENT P: He has every right to look at us like that. I am a traitor. And you are a monster. ‘The Big Bad Wolf’ come to kill us all.
BILL: Yeah. (Beat) Well, I’ve had about as much conversation as I can take for the time being. Goodnight.
AGENT P: Sleep tight.
BILL: See ya on the steps to the afterlife.
BILL lays down. He takes off his shirt to make a pillow as AGENT P stays sitting on his chair.
AGENT P: At least we won’t have the make the journey alone.
BILL: Yeah. (Beat) Hey, you think they have beer in Hell?
AGENT P: Yeah. But it probably tastes like piss and never quenches your thirst.
BILL: Fuck. I guess that will have to do. (Beat) Hey.
AGENT P: What?
BILL: ...I’m sorry about Agent X. I mean, well, your brother. (Beat) I know it was just business, but... I never had a family, so I don’t know what that’s like, but... well, anyway...
AGENT P: Thanks. All roads lead to death anyway.
BILL: You got that right.
BILL rolls over to sleep. AGENT P continues sitting, not really looking at anything at all.
SCENE THREE: THE KING OF THE PIG-PEOPLE
Lights up on BILL and AGENT P strung up on an old-fashion platform. The two GUARDS are on each side with the release levers. The KING addresses the people, which includes his children. Note: If there is a large ensemble, great. But if not, the audience itself is fine for the KING to address.
KING: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome! On this historical day, we say farewell to those who sought to destroy our kind. Today is the true end of the war. ‘The War for American Freedom’, as they called it. They never embraced us in their land. We were not considered Americans. We were threats. They called it a war for freedom, even though they owned this land, not us. It was their laws, their courts, their Statue of Liberty. What freedom were they fighting for? Freedom from us? From a people who came begging for food from across the sea? They saw us as peasants. Beggars. A burden on them. They brought fire down upon us, in hopes that we would get back on those ships and sail back to the wasteland that we came from. Well this is our country now. It is not a right given by them to us. It is a right given by God. We are evolution. God gave us the power to overtake this weak, narrow-minded race. This was not an accident. It was a test. A necessary step for us to take in our journey. This is our time.
BILL and AGENT P carry on the following conversation under their breaths while the KING continues to deliver his speech to the people.
BILL: He sure does know how to fire up the masses.
AGENT P: He was born to do this.
KING: This is our nation now!
AGENT P: Your people aren’t gonna make it through the night after this speech.
BILL: Good. Let’s get it over with quick.
KING: We have died for this land. We have sacrificed for our survival.
BILL: I wish he’d just shut up.
KING: We have overcome persecution. The fear that drove these people to hate us, because they could not understand us.
AGENT P: He makes some good points, though.
BILL: I wish you’d just shut up.
KING: These two villains behind me. They have no honor. They are snakes.
BILL: That’s not nice.
KING: They sneak up on their prey because they lack the courage to fight like true warriors.
BILL: Semper Fi mother fucker. Don’t forget it.
KING: One of them was our own. He fought along side us against our enemy, only to turn his back on us.
AGENT P: (to himself) I’m sorry.
KING: We thought he was a brother to us. But he knows nothing of family. He joined sides with the man who killed his own twin! Two lost souls with no understanding of loyalty or kinship.
BILL: You think he makes himself believe this shit?
AGENT P: He has to.
KING: I look down at my children, and I am reminded of why I do the things I do. It is not pretty. I pray to God every night to save my soul. That is the burden on the King in times of war. I pray to God to keep my family safe. I know in my heart that our people and their people can never unite. They abandon their young. They leave their young on a doorstep, with no guidance. And look what happens.
BILL: Oh, fuck you.
KING: They grow up with nothing but a lust to terrorize the innocent. And I will not let that happen anymore!
AGENT P: Hell, your people aren’t even gonna make it through the speech.
BILL: I see the pitchforks coming out already.
KING: This day will live on forever. The day that ended racism. The day that ended tyranny and injustice. The day that ended fear.
BILL: Oh my god the hypocrisy in every line. This is torture.
KING: The day that signaled the beginning of our rule. This ‘War for American Freedom’, it never existed. That was their name for it. That was their way of tricking their people into believing they were fighting for the right side. Well, I will not trick you. I will not let my people live in ignorance. I will not let my children, or your children, forget what we had to fight against. They branded us Pig-People. They judged us by our skin. Well our skin is our heritage. Those who survived and came over on the ships and wore the scars on their faces and gave those scars to us as a reminder that we all have to face hardship. They will not be forgotten. The history books will read about this war and know who we fought against, what we fought against, and why! Our people will never forget ‘The War Between Us and Those Who Branded Us Pig-People’!
The KING goes over to whisper instructions to the GUARD while AGENT P and BILL talk amongst themselves.
BILL: Hell of a speech.
AGENT P: Not a very good name for a war though.
BILL: A bit long, don’t you think? ‘The War Between Us and Those Who Branded Us Pig-People’?
AGENT P: Its kind of catchy after you hear it a few times, I guess.
BILL: Still, he writes a speech like that and can’t come up with a better name?
AGENT P: ...You ready to die?
BILL: I never will be. You?
AGENT P: Not really. But at least we get a hell of an exit.
BILL: Beats getting shot on a battlefield.
AGENT P: Or in your backyard.
BILL: No shit.
KING: Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has come. Phillip William Stewart, former member of the Royal Special Guard-
BILL: Phillip? Please tell me the ‘P’ is just a coincidence.
KING: Traitor to your King and to your people.
BILL: He didn’t go out and find Agents with their first name corresponding with each letter, did he?
AGENT P: It’s a coincidence.
BILL: Love the middle name, by the way.
KING: Do you have any last words?
AGENT P: I loved you. You were as much a brother to me as anyone. Somewhere along the line, you lost your path. I pray you find it.
KING: Always the politician, even on death’s doorstep. These people don’t buy your feigned sincerity. You’ve lost that trust. (to Bill) And to you. William Henry Jefferson, former member of the United States Marine Corps.
BILL: Semper Fi and never forgotten.
KING: ‘The Big Bad Wolf’. Leader of the failed Resistance. Murderer, villain, Demon. Ultimately responsible for the lives of millions. I hesitate to even ask. Any last words?
Spotlight on BILL, as he addresses the audience directly.
BILL: All roads lead to death. And what goes through your mind right before? It’s funny, the legend of me among my people is that of a warrior. The legend of me among my enemies will forever be that I was a monster. Two sides of the same coin. You’d think my life was nothing but war. I guess for a while it has been. But what’s going on inside my mind right before I die is not a battle won, or a battle lost. At least not a battle that involved guns or knives. No. I think about what it would have been like to have a family. I think about what it would have been like to have friends. I think about the one friend I might have, and what it would have been like to understand that friendship. I think about the food I could have eaten as I grew old and fat. I think about the stories I could have told. I wonder if I am a bad person. I’ve killed people. Never out of lust, although I’ve claimed that as a motive before. I killed them out of survival. Do I regret it? No. I did what I had to do. Do I wish there had been another way? Sure. But I can’t change that. Never could. Do I hate these fucking Pigs with every inch of my body? Most of them. I guess I am a bad guy. The Big Bad Wolf. At least I’ll live on somehow. I wonder why shit has to be like this. I like simplicity. Beer, food, sex. Well, maybe sex isn’t that simple. But you get my point. All this... fucking morality. Who’s right and who’s wrong. Who’s good and who’s evil. If you ask me, it seems like a matter of perspective. And at this point, quite honestly, I don’t really give a shit. (Beat) Most importantly, though, I think about Chelsey. Oh, wait. That’s right. I never told you about her. Guess there’s a lot you don’t know about me. If it’s all fine to you, I think I’ll keep that story to myself. Cause quite frankly, it’s none of your business.
Lights change back.
BILL: Yeah. Last words. Hmm... how about... oink, oink?
There is a moment of slight hesitation and smile before the KING takes out his gun and fires a bullet straight into BILL’s head. Almost instantly after the shot, the GUARDS pull the lever. The YOUNG BOY and YOUNG GIRL applaud. BILL is dead before the rope even tightens. AGENT P hangs, slowly dying. KING stands in between AGENT P struggling to breathe and BILL’s lifeless body bleeding out. Why shoot him and hang him? Cause fuck him, that’s why. KING is looking at nothing in particular, relieved.