In The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth
was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the
air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own
image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and
Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought
forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
In the Beginning - By The Book
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced
with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact
statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was
stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing
at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the
first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to
know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What
about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a
huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would
obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light
out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and
the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval
from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application
and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing.
Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
Adam and Eve
Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him.
"You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.
"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."
Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked Eve.
"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."
Your Time Is Not Up Yet!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come
in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
Garden of Eden
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so
God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "I will give you a companion and it will be a woman." He
said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
"She will not nag," God continued, "and will always be the first to admit
she was wrong. When you've had a disagreement, she will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg!"
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
AND THE REST IS HISTORY.
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written
her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
The Atheist, A Bear And God
An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the
"accidents" that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw the grizzly was closing.
Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He
looked again and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell
to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right
over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw
At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God...!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to
ask to be religious after all these years, but perhaps you could make
the bear religious?"
"Very well" said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.
..and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together
and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to
receive, I am truly thankful..."
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from
the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
The first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he
stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break
and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
God, as our first parent, asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there
is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't
be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what
made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
- The cooks are French,
- The policemen are English,
- The mechanics are German,
- The lovers are Italian,
- The bankers are Swiss.
- The cooks are English,
- The policemen are German,
- The mechanics are French,
- The lovers are Swiss,
- The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
- The management is from Intel,
- The design and construction is done by Apple,
- The marketing is done by Microsoft,
- IBM provides the support,
- Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
- The management is from Apple,
- Microsoft does design and construction,
- IBM handles the marketing,
- The support is from Gateway,
- Intel sets the price.
This is Heaven
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, you've created me and provided this beautiful spot, these wonderful animals, and that comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the voice from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, perhaps I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you. And while he'll need your advice to think properly, he'll be good at fighting, kicking a ball around, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.
"Sounds good to me," says Eve. "But isn't there a catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well, there is one."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
A Minister, A Priest And A Rabbi
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and
jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come
along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in
time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi
covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather
than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in
MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Golf, By God!
Moses, Jesus and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Gates Gets His Punishment
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God.
God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused
on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send
you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously
by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions.
I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you
decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied,
"Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?"
Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't
I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your
decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked
back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash
of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a
beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and
tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women
frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a
deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this
is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and
a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven
was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting
about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus.
It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for
God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found
Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men
and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I
visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening!
What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the
mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
Memo From GOD
I am God.
Today I will be handling all of your problems.
Please remember that I do not need your help.
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.
It will be addressed in My time, not yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it.
- If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair.
There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
- Should you have a bad day at work, think of the man who has been out of work for years.
- Should you despair over a relationship gone bad, think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
- Should you grieve the passing of another weekend, think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
- Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance, think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
- Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror, think of the cancer patient in chemotherapy who wishes she had hair to examine.
- Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking "What is my purpose?", be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
- Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities, remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!
The meaning of Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.