Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!
- Author Unknown
Why Cats are Better than Men
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.
3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.
4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.
5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.
6. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.
8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.
9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.
10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.
11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.
12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.
13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
16. Better chance of training a cat.
17. Cats are cute.
18. A cat is never late for dinner.
19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!
20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.
21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.
22. Cats treat your mom with respect.
23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.
24. I feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.
25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.
26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.
27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p
28. Cats actually think with their heads.
29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.
31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.
32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
How To Clean A Cat
NOTE: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
- Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body
too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any surface they can find.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
- Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Like Cats And Dogs
What is a Cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
- They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.
A Cat Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:
10. Veterinarians have evening hours.
9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute, but expensive clothes within three months.
7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.
6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college education.
5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.
4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
3. No one will accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.
1. And the Number 1 reason why kittens are better than babies: You only have to change a litter box once a day.
Listen to Mother!
A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.
At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.
The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"
Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"
Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?"
Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt -- wash!"
Top Ten Things A Cat Thinks About...
- I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
- Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
- Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
- I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
- Hmmmm.... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
- This looks like a good spot for a nap.
- Hey - no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
- Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
- If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
- If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss !!
The Cat Scan
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
The Bachelor And His Cat
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
- Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
- Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
- Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off of the roll.
- Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor, as thou art not transparent.
- Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
- Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
- Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
- Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap region.
- Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
- Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
- Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou will fall in and trap thy self.
- Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat, just as thy human is sitting down.
- Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 am.
- Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
- Thou shalt not trip thy human even if they are walking too slow.
- Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in the house.
- Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
- Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives and as the couple go out the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says, "stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
The Cat and The Husband
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he
arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him
home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he
thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm
lost and need directions."
Cats Rules Of Life
Although cats are the best and most wonderful creatures on this planet, they are quite bizzare... After Conspiring with the Cats Association for Taking over Earth (CATE), I have managed to steal some Top Secret information about the mysterious the guardians of the underworld. This is their rules of life (that every cat MUST stick to) in order to take over the world! But how these rules will help to achieve their objectives still remains a total mystery to humans.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long as a humans bare foot or expensive clothing.
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but
every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you're moved on.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
- MOST IMPORTANT When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it were real. Then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms,
in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help
their co-ordination skills.
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better- lie on his or hers face, making sure your arse is right on their nose. When she is wearing an expensive silk nightie, don't forget to paw it. This will create lovely patterns!
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box
as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell is also very attractive.
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have
run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you
with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.
- When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
- Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
- Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
- Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
- Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.