Farmer's Daughters Dates
There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.
At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".
The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .
Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".
The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".
A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.
There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,' said the hospitable old man. 'But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.'
'Oh!' said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, 'Just how far is it to the next house?'
The farm had been mortgaged to give his daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say 'ain't!"
Red Haired Schoolteacher
The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. 'Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room,' replied the farmer. 'But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.'
'Look,' said the tourist, 'I want you to know I'm a gentleman.'
'Well,' mused the farmer, 'as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.'
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,"
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
Chinese Farmer's Daughter
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Three guys were driving in a car when it broke down. One was Irish, one Itlian, and one Polish.
When there car broke down they walked to the nearest house. It was raining so they asked if they could stay the night.
The farmer said yes as long as they didn't touch his daughter.
So that night, the farmers hot daughter invited the Irish guy to her room, but to get to her room they had to walk past the farmers room where his cat slept in the doorway.
The Irish guy goes over and the floor squeeks, the farmer wakes up and says "What was that?"
The irish guy quickly went "meeeeoowww".The farmer went back to sleep and Irish guy went to the girls room and they had sex.
Next she wanted the Italian guy, so he went over and the same thing happened, the floor squeeked, farmer wakes up, "meeeowww", farmer goes back to sleep.
Finally the Polish guy goes over, and the floor squeeks, the farmer asks agiain "What was that?",
The Polish guy responds, "Its me the cat!"
Going to Lunch
A farmer is driving his 8 year old daughter down the road to go to lunch. As he nears a couple on the side of the road, he notices they are arguing and watches in horror as the wife cuts off her man's penis and throws it into the traffic.
The penis hits the windshield of the farmer's truck. Not knowing how to react, he says nothing. Just then, his daughter says, "Daddy, what was that that hit the window?"
Without missing a beat, the farmer replies, "Oh honey, that was just a fly..."
His daughter then exclaims, "Well that fly had the biggest dick I ever saw!!!!!!"
Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away.
Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.
The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.