Halloween Jokes, Top Ten Halloween Lists, Funny Halloween Pictures and more.
I am not scared of goblins or ghouls and things that go bump in the night
Werewolves and bats and witches and such do not give me much of a fright ...
But there is this one thing that scares me to death and only this one thing I fear
And that's to open my fridge at night and find that I'm all out of beer.
Halloween Costume - IRS Agent
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.
Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent."
Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of
a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts
searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves
the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
The Cab Driver And the Nun
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
The Cemetery Shortcut
One dark night two men were walking home after a party
and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Rocky the Trick or Treater
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as
'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave
him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few
minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back
three more times tonight too."
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon
making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of
composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets,
and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up
with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
hospital security guard who watched the whole incident
walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
Stranger At The Window
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in
the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger
window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old
ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of
his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it,"
to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the
speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying,
"Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what
they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came
some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the
window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out
of the mud?"
Vampires In A Bar
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have. ? The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred)
"I'll have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative." The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver.
I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,
"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
Why Pumpkins are better than Men
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from. 2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always
ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by
not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to
the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive
babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was
her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars
and had a little romp.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went
home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what
kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You
know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had
a real good time!"