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Lawyer Jokes

How many lawyers does it take...
Jokes
Brief Lawyer Jokes
  1. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
  2. How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Three one to change the light bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.
  3. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
  4. Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach? Cats keep covering them with sand.
  5. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure outwhich side to spit on.
  6. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
  7. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
  8. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
  9. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
  10. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
  11. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
  12. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
  13. What did the lawyer name his daughter?     Sue.
  14. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?     Skeet.
  15. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?     Senator.
  16. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?     Your honor.
  17. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?     His partners.
  18. What does a lawyer use for birth control?     His personality.

Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," was the reply.


How Much For a Heart?

A cardiac patient with end-stage heart disease was informed that he needed an immediate heart transplant operation.

The heart surgeon told him, "You can have a doctor's heart for $10,000 dollars or a Rabbi's heart for $25,000 dollars or I can give you a lawyer's heart for $100,000 dollars."

The patient asked, "Why is the lawyer's heart so much more expensive than the others?" "

Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot of lawyers to find a heart."


A Physician, An Engineer, And A Lawyer

A Physician, an Engineer, and a Lawyer were discussing their professions. They were trying to determne which profession had been around the longest.

The Doctor said "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam's ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first."

The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first."

The Lawyer said, "SORRY GUYS, lawyers were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."


A Rich Man's Request

A rich man was dying and called his doctor, minister and lawyer to the hospital room. Over the years people had warned him that he could not take it with him and he was determined to take some of it with him. He gave each one of them $250,000 in cash with the instructions to place it in the casket just before burial.

At the funeral each one dutifully tossed the package into the coffin just before it was lowered into the grave and buried.

Afterwards the minister confessed that needs at the orphanage were extensive and he had taken out $10,000.

The doctor then confessed that he had removed $20,000 for the new children's hospital.

The lawyer then said: "I'm appalled at your lack of ethics. I placed my personal check for the full amount in the coffin!"


Georgia Grandma Witness

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.


A Woman And Her Little Girl

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl';s grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"


Do You Serve Lawyers?

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, " Do you serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."


Introductions

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."


Anal Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"


A Doctor, A Priest, And A Lawyer

A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific. They're just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks.

The doctor insists, "I'll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help. If the sharks attack me, with my medical knowledge I'll be able to tend to my wounds." The priest says, "No, no my son, I shall swim for the island. I will pray as soon as I hit the water and with my connections I'm sure to make it."

While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go, the lawyer dives into the water and swims toward the island. Miraculously, the sharks move away and clear a path for the attorney. A little while later, the barrister retruns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts. And again the sharks clear a path for him.

He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest ask him what was the source of this miracle, and he replied, "Professional courtesy, of course!"


Satan's Fence

Satan was building a fence around hell one day when St. Peter saw him and noticed that the fence was on their side a little. Well he requested that the fence be moved and when Satan said no, St. Peter gave him a week to move the fence. A week went by and St. Peter again looked down and saw that the fence had not been moved. So again he calls Satan:

ST. PETER: "Look Satan You'll have to move the fence over to your side !"

SATAN: "I built the fence to keep my people in, and I ain't gonna move it one inch."

ST. PETER: "Then you leave me no choice, I'll have to sue you!"

SATAN: "Where do you think you'll get a lawyer?"


Johnny Cochran Goes Duck Hunting

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'."

"Never heard of it", said Johnny.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet "Alright, now it's my turn", said Johnny.

"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."