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Here are some of the best quotes spoken by some of the most interesting people around.
Random Quotes

Aren't all marriages kind of gay? I mean, as a man
when you get married, essentially what you are saying is,
'I will never touch another woman as long as I live.
Now let's put jewelry on each other and dance.'
-- Jimmy Kimmel

We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
-- Robin Williams

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Lewis Grizzard

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
-- Author Unknown

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
-- Henry Kissenger (former U.S. Secretary of State)

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
-- Author Unknown

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"
-- Robin Williams

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Richard Jeni

"I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department
four days to put it out."
-- Dolly Parton

"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a
plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded."
-- Tim Allen

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."
-- Timothy Leary

"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical."
-- Arthur C Clarke

"Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"My folks first met on the subway trying to pick each others pockets."
-- Freddie Prinze

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves."
-- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without even considering if there is
a man on base."
-- Dave Barry

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins
into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel
to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee...
the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
-- Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating,
and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."
-- Joe E. Lewis

"I spend 90% of my money on booze, women, and fast cars. The rest I waste."
-- George Best (Soccer Legend)

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever
stole it is spending less than my wife."
-- Ilie Nastase

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
-- Samuel Goldwyn

"What do people mean when they say the computer went
down on them?"
-- Marilyn Pittman

"I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
-- Paula Poundstone

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
-- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over."
-- Dino Levi

"I would imagine that if you could understand morse code,
a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
-- Axel Rose (Guns 'n Roses)

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes?
I don't think there's really any oxygen.
I think they're just to muffle the screams.
-- Rita Rudner

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to
the authors of that study: Duh."
-- Conan O'Brien

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-- Drew Carey

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-- Richard Jeni

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez

"Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because
she couldn't remember the lines."
-- Joan Rivers

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
-- Carrot Top

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic
in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get,
I'll never be as good as a wall."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
-- A. Whitney Brown

"My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."
-- Robin Williams

"On a traffic light green means go, yellow means yield and red means
stop but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow
means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at ..."
-- Mitch Hedberg

"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.
He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us
to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!"
-- Golda Meir

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
-- Jackie Mason

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call."
-- Richard Lewis

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one
and got hit by a bus."
-- Bob Rubin

On the terrorists: "My only hope is when those terrorists get to heaven,
they meet up with the kind of virgins we had in Catholic school:
Sister Mike Ditka from Our Mother of Eternal Retribution."
-- Robin Williams

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."
-- Mark Twain

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
-- Dave Barry

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like."
-- Jean Cocteau

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Jay Leno

"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't
know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it."
-- Bill Cosby

"I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb.
I also know I'm not blonde."
-- Dolly Parton

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.
Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to women's breasts?"
-- Jay Leno

"It's great that we've got a compassionate conservative,
but to me, that sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack."
-- Robin Williams

"Ever notice that George Bush doesn't speak when Dick Cheney is drinking water?
Do you realize we're only a heart attack away from Bush being president?"
-- Robin Williams

"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance."
-- Tim Allen

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the
general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy
over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-- Elayne Boosler

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
-- Mark Russell

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Jay Leno

"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
-- Rita Rudner

"You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later
you have to start all over again."
-- Joan Rivers

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."
-- Wendy Leibman

(On America's "A Horse With No Name"), "You're in the desert, you got
nothing else to do. NAME THE FREAKIN' HORSE!"
-- Richard Jeni

"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every
day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in
the morning: We're government workers!"
-- Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
-- Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-- Jay Leno

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?"
And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
-- Gary Shandling

"I hate to fly . . . Every time I get off a plane, I view it as a failed suicide attempt"
-- Barry Sonnefeld

"How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?"
-- Charles de Gaulle

Describing Palm Beach:
"A lot of rich women seeing how small they can get their dogs"
-- Rita Rudner

"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy."
-- Frank Sinatra

"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it."
-- Billy Crystal

"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!"
-- Dolly Parton

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.
-- Doug Larson

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