- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
- It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out...
- If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
- I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the
entire area was missing...
- I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every
once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call...
it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....
- I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
- I invented the cordless extension cord.
- I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was
another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.
- Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
- While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.
When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
- When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
- When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother,
but he didn't obey.
- I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car...
- I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
- I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.
- I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
- I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the
same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper
they'd be if that didn't happen.
- I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit
here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going
- Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it
said, "Wish you were here."
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
- "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
- I have a CD burner... My fireplace.
- I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
- I'm addicted to placebos... I'd quit but it wouldn't matter.
- I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman.
She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
- I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".
- In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
- I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
- The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
- I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
- I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
- I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one
-- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
- My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I
go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
- "24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think
I might have written that."
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
- I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
- I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
- I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
- I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
- Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.