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Stephen Wright Quotes

Here are the best quotes spoken by
one of America's wittiest comedians.
Stephen Wright
Stephen Wright
  1. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

  2. It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

  3. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

  4. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  5. I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

  6. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing...

  7. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

  8. I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....

  9. I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

  10. I invented the cordless extension cord.

  11. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

  12. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

  13. While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

  14. When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

  15. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

  16. I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...

  17. I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.

  18. I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

  19. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

  20. I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

  21. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

  22. Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.

  23. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far'.

  24. Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

  25. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

  26. "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

  27. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

  28. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

  29. I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

  30. I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.

  31. I'm addicted to placebos... I'd quit but it wouldn't matter.

  32. I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman.
    She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

  33. What's another word for Thesaurus?

  34. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

  35. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

  36. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

  37. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

  38. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

  39. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

  40. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

  41. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

  42. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

  43. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

  44. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

  45. "24-hour banking? I haven't got time for that."

  46. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

  47. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

  48. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

  49. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

  50. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

  51. I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

  52. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

  53. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

  54. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

  55. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."

  56. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

  57. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

  58. I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.

  59. I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

  60. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

  61. I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

  62. I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

  63. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

  64. My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

  65. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

  66. I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

  67. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  68. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

  69. I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

  70. Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

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