- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
- Are You Andy or Barney?
- Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.
- Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
- When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
- What? You need a license to drive?
- Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
- Is your power a penis substitute?
- Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
- Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
- Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
- Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
- A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.
- I pay your salary!
- Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
- Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
- Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
- Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too.
- My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.
- Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
- Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
- You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.
- In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
- Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
- Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.
- Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.
- Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
- Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
- There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
- What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.
- That uniform makes your ass look really big.
- You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
- I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
A Bad Day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Oh my God!! And I bet the lying bastard also told you I was speeding!
What Do You Really Mean?
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and"
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?" Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"